I felt like a stinking Disney princess on my wedding day. That’s what I am supposed to say right? I am supposed to say that I never felt more beautiful, that my hair and makeup and dress were perfect, right? Well, looking back at pics, I did look pretty fantastic (shout out to my college roommate for doing the best job on my hair and makeup), but that day, in the most expensive dress I will ever wear, I felt totally insecure. In fact, I was beyond overwhelmed with just how fat I felt.
True story, before I put my dress on the morning of our wedding, I was standing topless in a room full of my bridesmaids, spinning in circles as my roommate was rolling me up in shrink-wrap to help suck in my belly fat. I had spent $50 on a girdle that, in my opinion, just wasn’t doing its job. I got wrapped tighter than a sausage in its links, the edges of the plastic were jabbing me in my fat rolls, and I wasn’t able to bend at all or sit down. It wasn’t going to work, and I was frustrated that my fat rolls would be on full display during my wedding. My friends cut me out (again, still topless, talk about a spectacle) and I just had to resolve not to care. I laughed on the outside and teased myself, but I was so sad and angry at myself on the inside. I was about to get married weighing 190lbs, something that I had attempted to change, but was unsuccessful in.
My husband and I decided to do a reveal photoshoot, so Dylan got to see me before the wedding ceremony. He spun around and saw me for the first time, smiled, told me I was beautiful, and then we got kiss and hold hands all day before our wedding, it was great! However, as we posed for photos I was still attempting to “suck it in” and angle my face so that you could only see 2 of my chins instead of all 50, all the while trying to make sure my arm fat wasn’t flapping in the wind (ok so maybe I’m a little dramatic). It probably didn’t help that I took a break from pictures to eat a giant sandwich.
It was actually an incredible moment. This man had already seen me in all of my princess glory, and yet, seeing me again, he wept. Even though I felt like a hippo, this man, just by weeping, made me feel like the most beautiful, important and loved woman in the world. Now let’s be honest, if you are in a relationship, you know that men can’t make us feel good about ourselves 100% of the time. They just can’t, and it definitely isn’t fair to expect them to. But that was such a special moment for me with my husband, and I hold onto it when I have moments of pain or self-hatred.
So I started thinking, if my husband would ugly cry in front of 100 people like that just because he loved me and was so in awe of me, what must God think of me? My husband is not perfect, he’s wonderful, but perfect is a joke when it comes to people because the only being who can be perfect is God. Imagine what receiving perfect love and adoration from a perfect God must feel like. I make myself so busy worrying about weight, and my hair and my clothes that I forget to talk to God about how much I dislike my appearance. If I did sit down and talk to God about it, I would probably feel his tears of joy and adoration flowing over me, much like I did with my husband’s.
How much healing would we receive if we would just sit and let God love on us??
I made that bigger and bold because it is so critical to loving ourselves. We pray and plead with God to help us be okay with the skin we are in, whether its overweight, underweight, tall, short, whatever, we pray with tears streaming down our faces, yet how often do we actually sit down, shut up, and let God speak to us? I love my husband, and our wedding was great, and I am grateful for the lessons we gleamed from it, but a year and half later, the journey is still just beginning for us. If I only hold onto that one memory with Dylan, and never live in the moment and bask in his love for me in the present, the memories will fade, the encouragement will dim and I will forget the feeling of being loved. It is the same with God. We can’t have one great hour with Him and expect that to sustain us for the next few years. No, we need to consistently be in His presence, and bathe in the healing tears that flow for us, only then will we be able to share in the joy that He has about our bodies.
P.S. If by any chance you are just dying to see more of our wedding pictures (offering because I am slightly obsessed with them, but I’m biased) you can check them out on my facebook.